So as you should all be aware by now, if I were Queen on the 1st of September of each year, all outdoor activities would be outlawed, no-one would be made to leave the house for nights out across town that necessitated standing at bus stops in freezing rain and BBC costume dramas would play 24/7 across all channels, with perhaps a break for the Antiques Roadshow.
But alas, my army of robotic goth Miss Marples are still in the porotype phase and so I have yet to overthrow the British Government. Nevertheless! Failure to plan is planning to fail and so I have complied my top Autumn/Winter 2015 Sofa Surfing Countdown, should you wish to get in at the grassroots level of my cult of the cosy (fair isle jumpers and thermal socks issued as standard, please provide own teapot).
13th October| River – BBC. Already past the premiere date I’m afraid, but it is the BBC so it is on the IPlayer for a whole ruddy month! Huzah! This may not be the most original idea on earth (troubled detective haunted by the past etc.) but it has Stellen Skarsgard in the lead role, who not only produces very beautiful children, but is also quite the actor to boot. The rather brilliant Nicola Walker is also on board, who frankly gives a good dollop of gravitas to any performance.
16th October| Mr Robot – Amazon. Also a little late out of the gate with this one as it premiered last week, but again, it’s Amazon so you can mainline it on one chilly weekend should you so wish. I’ve already seen it all and it’s fabulous.
20th October| American Horror Story Season 5 – Fox. The classiest horror around at the moment (perhaps apart from Hannibal) is the American Horror Story franchise. I loved the first series, missed the 2nd, got halfway through the third, haven’t seen fourth but really want to see this – because, well Gaga is in it.
23rd October| Hemlock Grove Season 3 – Netflix. Gosh it seems like only five minutes ago I was obsessed with the first series of this and now we are on to three. It’s good, moody and spooky – and again features a Skarsgard of the beautiful variety so there’s that.
26th October| Scream Queens – E4. Basically Glee meets American Horror Story – and what’s not to love about that? It’s a modern spin on the classic whodunit with a university sorority house at its centre. Well Kappa Kappa count me excited.
28th October| Miss Fisher Murder Mysteries Season 3 – Alibi. Yes you read that right, only season three! It feels like there are about a trillion episodes of Miss Fisher, well there certainly are on my catch up. If you haven’t indulged in this Australian crime caper series yet, you should. It is early Poirot-esque in its fun, high kicking style. The episodes are quick, the characters great and the all-important outfits frankly f-ing fabulous.
Sometime in November – THE BRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDGE! Ok, so deep breath. You met the Bridge, you fell in love and became mildly obsessive with The Bridge. It was wonderful. You would spend hours together, not seeing your friends, just chilling on the sofa and being happy together. And then suddenly, the dream ended. You didn’t know it was coming. The Bridge gave you no warning. You were about to introduce The Bridge to your mum for Christssake! But one day it was just gone. You heard rumours that The Bridge would never come back because The Bridge had had some internal struggles and a few of The Bridge’s cast had moved on to see other people. It was a really tough time and you consoled yourself with cookie dough ice-cream and a rebound fling with the UK reboot of The Bridge, but deep down you both knew you were only together because the UK Bridge reminded you of the original Bridge. You moved on. It was hard, but slowly you forgot the pain and began to love again. Just when you were in a happy new co-dependant relationship with Narcos – suddenly you hear that The Bridge is back in town! Your world is turned upside down as all of those old feelings rush back to the surface. So yeah, The Bridge season three is starting on BBC 4 sometime in November.
20th November| Man in the High Castle – Amazon. So I forget when, sometime last year I think, Amazon ran a pilots competition where you could watch the pilot of several proposed series and vote for your favourite to be made in full. I voted for Man it the High Castle, because it was A. beautiful and B, fabulous. Beautiful and fabulous – all you need in life. I’m happy to say it won (I’d like to think that it was all down to me, but I couldn’t possibly comment), and it starts up in full on 20th November. Man in the High Castle is an adaptation of the 1962 novel of the same name by Philip K. Dick. Basic premise – the Nazis won and America is split into German run East coast and Japanese owned West Coast as multi character perspectives take you through an Orwellian dystopia of occupied post WW2 America – jolly then.
25th December| Sherlock Christmas Special – BBC1. For months now I have been running up to strangers in the street, grabbing them by the collar and screaming into their faces “DO YOU KNOW WHEN SHERLOCK IS BACK ON???”. Maybe not literally, but certainly mentally. Sitting in coffee shops I scan the seated crowds and mutter in a hissed whisper into my latte, ‘someone muuuuust know somethiiiiing’. Well now we all do. The Sherlock Christmas special is airing on Christmas Day and it is set in ye old Victorian London town. I have no idea how Gatiss is going to pull this off but I have utter faith in him. Heck, I’d have faith in him to lobotomise me if he thought fit, ‘yes Mr Gaitss, whatever you think will make me happy’.
TBC| Over Christmas BBC4 will be running a series of stage to screen theatrical performances – one of which will be Imelda Staunton’s acclaimed performance of Gypsy. Cannot. Wait. I’ve heard such very good things.
WARNING – YOU WILL HAVE TO LEAVE THE HOUSE TO SEE THESE, BUT DON’T WORRY, MOST CINEMAS SERVE COFFEE NOW.
16th October| Crimson Peak. del Toro, Hiddlestone, Victorian horror story – come on, there is no way you shouldn’t see this film this Halloween season.
26th October| Bond baby Bond. Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhpectre is released next week and I for one am ready to be both shaken and stirred. Gosh, I’m sorry about that. I didn’t know I had that level of cheesy in me.
18th December| Star Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaars! Tickets went on sale yesterday and guess which lucky little duck snagged herself some IMAX tickets for opening Friday? Well not me, actually T was the one with his figure on the pulse. But he got me one! So I’m going, and ain’t no one gonna stop me. Except for maybe snow. Snow might stop me. And rain. And a strong breeze.
5th February| Dad’s Army. Jumping right passed New Year to next February, the new Dad’s Army film is released. 10 house points to any reviewer who makes it through a write up without saying ‘Don’t panic – it’s actually quite good’.
And that’s shallot for now. I think I will do a more detailed Christmas TV and film guide nearer the time, once I’ve done the obligatory sit down with a highlighter and the bumper Radio Times ritual. So keep them peppers peeled for that. Right, now where’s my onesie?